


Dream

by sugarandspace



Series: Flufftober 2018 Drabbles [13]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Author Failed at Flufftober, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, or - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-01 17:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16288952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: After what happened at Max's party, Magnus is woken up by a nightmare and they have a much needed conversation.





	Dream

**Author's Note:**

> My hand slipped and I wrote angst. It's also currently 3:30am as I'm writing this so technically this is late but I haven't slept yet so it's still saturday.

_ Magnus is walking towards the bridge, his steps sure on the wet road. It’s raining, the weather fitting for the mood he’s in. He feels heavy, more than a physical weight pulling him down.  _

_ But there’s someone there already. Magnus stops as he sees someone standing there, standing where he should be standing. It’s dark and he can’t see the stranger well, so he keeps moving forward.  _

_ Then he sees him, and his heart stops cold.  _

_ It’s Alec, it’s Alec and he’s standing at the edge of the bridge, his hands dripping blood to the ground.  He’s looking down at the water underneath him, and Magnus tries to scream at him to get out of there, to step back down to the road where he’s safe, where he can’t slip and fall in a heartbeat.  _

_ But Alec can’t hear him, no matter how much Magnus screams and screams he doesn't turn to look, he doesn’t react, he just stands there and keeps staring at the black water. _

_ Magnus tries to run to him, but his feet feel like lead and it looks like with each step he manages to take forward he moves two steps back, the ground feeling sticky under his shoes.  _

_ This isn’t how this was supposed to go, the apathy and feeling nothing switched to feeling so much - so much worry so much pain so much panic.  _

_ Alec can’t be there he needs to get him away from there he needs to get there before he’s late - he has to. _

_ Everything moves like in slow motion when Alec takes a step forward, his balance shifted and then he’s falling, falling with the raindrops as Magnus tries to reach him and call for him. _

_ Magnus tries to use his magic but it’s not there it doesn't obey him and his arms are glued to his sides. He can’t use his magic. He can’t help Alec there’s nothing he can do, Alec is falling and Magnus can’t see him anymore and he hears the sound of something hitting the water below and he knows it’s Alexander and he knows he was too late and- _

Magnus wakes up with a jolt, sitting up in bed and outstretching his hand, summoning  the first item he sees to his hand with a spark of blue. The item happens to be a box of jewellery he had on top of a dresser, and it falls to the ground with a heavy thump as it reaches Magnus’ shaking hand.

Magnus’ whole body feels shaky, his pulse in his ears and his breath stuck in his throat, frozen in fear and unable to react when he feels movement from next to him. The bedside lamp is switched on and he feels a hand on his shoulder, offering some help to ground himself to the moment.

“Magnus,” comes Alec’s sleep laced voice and Magnus turn to face him with his eyes golden and wide.

Alec jumped, he fell to the water, Magnus couldn’t help him and Alec was gone.

“Alec,” Magnus says weakly. It’s not common for him to use the short version of Alec’s name, preferring to feel the whole name falling from his lips. But right now he can barely manage the two syllables before his breathing is picking up and his eyes fill with tears, hiding the worried face of his boyfriend behind them when all Magnus wants is for someone to hide away the pictures in his head. Pictures of Alec falling from the bridge, of Alec falling from his balcony, of him falling to his death.

“Magnus,” Alec says again and brings his hand to hold the side of Magnus’ face, and Magnus squeezes his eyes shut and tries to focus on the touch, tries to breathe deeply and focus on what’s real.

Alec’s hand is brushing at the wetness on his cheek where the tears had fallen when he shut his eyes, and his other hand is holding Magnus’ that is still shaking lightly. His thumb is rubbing his hand soothingly, and Magnus feels himself become more oriented as moments pass in silence. Alec is there, touching him, and Magnus was able to save him earlier today, -or yesterday, Magnus has no idea what time it is.

All he knows is that it’s still dark when he opens his eyes, the only light coming from the bedside lamp on Alec’s side of the bed.

“You had a nightmare?” Alec asks and Magnus nods in reply, letting go of Alec’s hand to rub at his eyes, to dry his face to the sleeve of his sleep shirt that’s clinging to his body with sweat.

“Can I hug you?” Alec asks, unsure whether it would be okay for Magnus at the moment.

“Please,” is all Magnus says in reply, and it’s all he needs to say, because soon he’s being pulled to Alec’s chest, arms wrapping around him and bringing him more comfort than anything else could in that moment. Alec is there, Alec is all around him and his scent is filling Magnus’ nose where it is buried to his shoulder. Magnus breathes in deeply and lets rest of his worry melt away, even though some of the fear stays lingering in the back of his mind. There’s no amount of comfort in the world that could erase the memory of Alec falling from his balcony.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alec asks quietly, and Magnus thinks about it. Does he want to upset Alec with this topic? No, but it’s something he knows they need to talk about.

Magnus snaps his fingers, happy to notice that he’s able to use his magic, changing both fresh clothes for himself as well as fresh sheets to the bed. He focuses and puts the glamour back on, able to control it again.

With a final squeeze he pulls out of the hug and lays on his side, unable to have the conversation without seeing Alec’s face. Alec mirrors his position on the bed, laying down and reaching to the space between them, silently offering his hand for Magnus to hold.

Magnus accepts the offer eagerly and looks at their joined hands as he collects his thoughts. Eventually he looks at Alec as he speaks.

“I dreamt of what happened today,” he starts, and Alec nods in reply. He probably already guessed that.

“Of Iris sneaking in here to wreak havoc and steal your spell book,” Alec says.

“Not exactly,” Magnus says, his voice dull. “I dreamt of you falling.”

The expression on Alec’s face turns to a guilty one, and he seems speechless so Magnus continues.

“I wasn’t there on time, you couldn’t hear me and I couldn’t use my magic to save you,” Magnus says, leaving out the detail where they were and why. There were things he wasn’t quite ready to share. Not in that moment and not yet.

“It was only a dream,” Alec says, his other hand coming to rest on Magnus’ waist, the weight of it welcome. “I’m here, and you saved me today.”

“But how about next time?” Magnus blurts out, his tone worried as Alec’s brows furrow in confusion.

“Next time?” Alec asks, waiting for Magnus to elaborate.

Magnus takes a deep breath and looks Alec in the eyes, ready for the reaction his words will cause.

“I know the spell she used,” Magnus says simply. “It was crafted to target everyone’s insecurities, to enhance them and make them overpowering. It didn’t play a part in how each one of you reacted to them. And it scares me that your reaction to the guilt you were feeling was to stop feeling all together.”

“I would never-,” Alec starts, but Magnus interrupts him.

“You say that now,” he says. “But what if a day comes when you feel like today, when you feel like everything is too much?”

Alec doesn’t reply, and Magnus knows it might be unfair to ask him a hypothetical question like that, but he needs to know. Needs to be convinced that he won’t witness something like he did today ever again.

“I admit that I don’t always deal with things the best way,” Alec says, and Magnus holds his hand a bit firmer at that. “But you have to believe me when I say that I have never wanted to take my own life.”

There’s a pause in his words when he swallows, his eyes shifting to take a look at their joined hands before looking back up at Magnus’ eyes.

“I can’t speak for the future, you said it yourself once that even you aren’t able to see it,” Alec continues. “But I can promise that if I ever feel like that, I will come to you. I don’t want to die Magnus.”

Magnus studies his face, trying to see a hint that would tell him that Alec is lying, but he finds none. Those warm brown eyes look almost black in the dim lighting, but they are filled with familiar honesty and Magnus finds himself believing the words.

“There’s so many reasons to stay alive,” Alec continues when Magnus doesn’t speak. “The people in my life, you, Izzy, Jace, Max… To live to see the change we’re working towards. To watch that show you’ve been talking about and to try that restaurant we always walk past. I want to see Max grow up, to see Jace settle down with someone and to see Izzy fall in love. I want more mornings with you when we’re both content to just stay in bed, when the sun paints you with warmth and we’re happy to just be. There will be obstacles in life, but they’re just that. Things to change or work through or things to get over. I’m not going to let them ruin all the good I have in my life, and I know I won’t have to face them alone. When I was young I went to Izzy or Jace, depending on the situation, and I still do sometimes. I also come to you. I did the other night and I will in the future if I need to. Because I trust you, and I need you to trust me when I say that what happened today is not something you need to be afraid of.”

Magnus weighs the words before he replies. “I trust you. And my door is always open to you. Or my fire escape, whichever you prefer in the moment.”

The last comment does exactly what Magnus hoped it would, when Alec lets out a quiet laugh. The conversation they’ve had has been a heavy one but one they both needed. 

“And it goes for you too,” Alec reminds him. “You can always talk to me if there’s something bothering you. I wish you would have talked about this before we went to bed. I had no idea it bothered you so much it would come to your dreams.”

“I know,” Magnus replies. “After the day we had yesterday we were both so tired it felt like a good idea to sleep on it first. Apparently I was wrong.”

“We could try to not go to bed with things weighing on our minds,” Alec suggests. “I know it won’t always be possible but we could try.” 

“I like that idea,” Magnus agrees and yawns, the exhaustion from earlier as well as from the nightmare catching up to him.

“But now it seems like we need to sleep,” Alec says as he mirrors Magnus’ yawn. He pulls at the hand he’s still holding and pulls Magnus closer, turning to his back as Magnus rest against his side, his head on Alec’s chest.  

Magnus feels safe, and being this close to Alec is reminding him that he’s safe as well. Hopefully that’s enough to keep the nightmares away for the rest of the night.

Some fear remains, and Magnus knows it will always be there. He knows it’s normal to hold some worry for the people you love. But he also trusts Alec, and trusts his own ability to see if things start to go bad. And he knows that Alexander’s siblings will be more alert after tonight as well. He even thinks that he could trust Alec with his own story.

But that’s something to talk about another time, and for now Magnus lets the steady beat of Alec’s heart to lull him back to sleep.


End file.
